


Alone

by ichilitchi



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:20:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27002644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ichilitchi/pseuds/ichilitchi
Summary: Intrusive thoughts, body dysmorphia, killua has BPD. potentially triggering subjectsKillua has a rough night.
Relationships: Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 2
Kudos: 46





	Alone

Killua's laying down on his bed, a soft and drowned out melody playing from his phone as his mind blanks. His eyes are red, puffy, and his eye bags are swollen from how.much he's cried. Another night of mourning happiness. Another night of feeling like you're nothing in this world. He was so tired of it.

He was so tired of feeling everything and nothing at the same time. 

He was tired of being alone.

He was tired of feeling cold.

Killua set down his phone, as he would much rather wrap his arms around himself and curl up into a ball than to keep feeling cold.

He really wished that Gon was here. But he wishes that he never met Gon too. His life was better with Gon. But being apart from him just flips a switch in his brain that makes him suffer. He knows it's bad to depend on other people for happiness or self love. Only you can give yourself self love. But it was just how it worked.

_I miss Gon so much. Does he miss me?_

_Who am I kidding? No one misses me. I'm the worst person alive. I cant communicate my feelings so I end up lashing out. I go from being happy to being super upset in a second. I literally look like I'm dead. With how pale and bony I am. How unattractive my body is. Not like he's seen it. But he would hate it._

_I'm so ugly._

_I'm so horrible._

_I'm a horrible person. I'm a monster. Just like how Illumi taught me to be._

_I wouldn't mind if I died right now._

Killua's body began to shake, the hold on his arms tightening to the point it hurt, and then it went numb. He let out a choked sob, he couldn't be too loud. Alluka could wake up and see him a mess. He would have to tell her everything again. Killua doesn't like lying to her, so he had no choice.

He really didn't want to tell her how.much he hated himself, not with how brave and cool he was supposed to be.

_Someone please….help me...I beg of you.._

His phone vibrated. Probably an email something. It was 2 am.

Another one.

Gon: Killua, are you awake?

Gon: I can't sleep..

Gon: can we face time?

Killua picked up his phone reluctantly, his fingers slowly tapping on the screen. They so dragged across the letters, making his texts seem jumbled.

Killua: I'm. Awakse

Killua: I diiont think I csan

Gon: What? Are you okay? 

Gon: or are you just tired..? 

Gon: let me call you :(..

Killua: noimm fine

Killua: desally

Killua couldn't tell if he was typing correctly at all, his tears having clouded his vision.

Gon called without a warning, his contact name popping up on his screen, a picture of his smile displayed beautifully.

He couldn't just deny his call, not right now.

" Killua..? " Gon whispered into the phone. It was late and he didn't want to wake Mito. But he also didn't want to startle his best friend.

" … " The silver hair boy stayed silent, he was trying his best to hold back any sobs and hiccups. Why was it so hard? Why was it so hard when Gon's voice alone helped him calm down? Why was it so hard when he could put up a mask whenever he was yelled at by his parents? Whenever they were a mere inches away from his face. It was a while before he could find his voice.

" G-Gon…... sorry…. " the boy's voice faded in and out between soft cries. 

" For what..? You didn't do anything..Killua.. " Gon looked down at his hand. It was resting beside his face. He wished he was beside Killua, so he could hold his hand. Or much better, just hold him. " Tell me what's wrong.. it's okay.. " 

" ..I..I don't feel good…. " That was really the least he could say about what he was feeling.

" Do you feel sick..? " Gon's voice boomed softly through his phone speaker.

" ..No.. "

" Then what's wrong…? "

" I….Gon...I really..I hate m-me… " 

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this while I was really sad, I just thought I would post it since I wrote something.


End file.
